Problems in Older Relationships 2 - Impotence
According to research, the average normal male has several erections every night. Even at age 65 years old, the penis is erect for an hour and a half each night. Yet, as a rule, older men and women tend to have more inhibitions about sex because of their backgrounds and society"s reaction towards them. Having been taught in their childhood that sex, and anything related to it is "dirty", and that one never talks openly about it, sexually active older people tend to have problems of adjustment. Having been expected to be strong and self-reliant when they were young, older men, in particular, do not easily talk about, or admit to, personal problems, especially those of a sexual nature.
An impotent man was not regarded as a "real" man back then, so most of these men tend not to acknowledge worries and fears to their partners. They simply try to handle everything on their own, or pretend they do not need sex anymore, thus increasing their feeling of frustration and loneliness. Now they have Viagra, if there is a real problem, but there is still the hurdle to own up to needing it in the first place! Additionally, being treated as invisible by society, as though they have no right to sex once they are past their prime, does not exactly encourage older people to be natural about sex and appreciate its value. For these and other reasons, sex gradually becomes a subject that is simply understood between many older couples rather than overtly mentioned or even practised!
For the older woman, when she feels that she might not be able to satisfy her more sexually active partner, she might switch off altogether to avoid that anxiety or being regarded as "useless" in bed. A consequence of the reticence on both sides, and the lack of communication, is a lack of intimacy in the relationship, often with one partner feeling "left out" of their spouse"s life. Men often miss out on what they need because they don"t know how to ask for it, or they live in denial about it.
Sexual Dysfunction
Sex under these restrictive conditions creates distance or sexual dysfunction in the relationship, when each really wants the closeness and intimacy of other couples. This can drive an even deeper wedge between them. Consequently, sex is likely to become mechanical, unfeeling, unfulfilling or non-existent. Fortunately, anyone can break this vicious cycle and restore intimacy and sexual flow if they wish to do so, but it obviously takes two to achieve this.
For older couples it seems that comfort, more than anxiety, obstructs sexual passion. For example, about 12 per cent of older couples claim to have sex only "a few times a year" because of all the factors mentioned earlier. Yet, though comfort is necessary to all relationships, especially to affirm and sustain partners with familiarity and predictability, sex is equally important to cement that closeness. While long-term partners who stay friends have an ease in comfort which complements each other"s growth, staying exclusively in your personal comfort zone stifles sexual energy.
Anxiety about sexual performance may cause its own fears, but managing it can actually fuel growth because a little bit of stress is great for keeping us feeling alive instead of being very dead! Relationships without anxiety allow blandness to consume intimacy. According to Dr Jeanne Shaw, "Being deeply sexual over time with your life partner produces both joy and anxiety. But, a "no-growth" agreement prevails when partners avoid tension, discomfort and knowing each other. The cost of rigidly maintaining comfort is the sacrifice of sexual energy," as well as an awful lot of joy.
